Irish Jokes

I was hanging out with some folks on Friday night and PConnolly told these jokes with a perfect Irish accent.  We laughed our tits off… enjoy.

IRISH BOY IN CONFESSION
      
Bless me Father, for I have
sinned.  I have been with a loose woman.  The priest asks, "Is
that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?
        Yes, Father, it is.
        And, who was the woman you were
with?
        I can’t be tellin’ you,
Father.  I don’t want to ruin her reputation.
        Well, Timmy, I’m sure to find out
sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?
        I cannot say.
        Was it Patricia Kelly?
        I’ll never tell.
        Was it Sheilah O’Brien?
        I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.
        Was it Kathleen Morgan?
        My lips are sealed.
        Was it Fiona Grogan, then?
        Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
        The priest sighs in
frustration.  You’re a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire
that.  But you’ve sinned, and you must atone.  You cannot attend
church mass for three months.  Be off with you now.
        Timmy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers,  What’d you get?
        Three month’s vacation and five good
leads

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to

New
  York

and gets stopped for speeding
in

Connecticut

. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been
drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He’s done it
again!"

***********************************************

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,

"Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,

"Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation
as
well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.

***************************************************
Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits
there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side
either."

***************************************************

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning service,
and she’s in tears.

He says, "So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father…"

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun!’