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Sean Keener's Personal Blog

December 18th, 2007

Shopping Trip – Joke

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn’t you?! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And you’ll now be his full time carer!’

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The female doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just kidding. He’s dead. What’d you buy?’

via hydro and ging. These are 2 sick Aussies.

March 21st, 2005

Irish Jokes

I was hanging out with some folks on Friday night and PConnolly told these jokes with a perfect Irish accent.  We laughed our tits off… enjoy.

IRISH BOY IN CONFESSION
      
Bless me Father, for I have
sinned.  I have been with a loose woman.  The priest asks, "Is
that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?
        Yes, Father, it is.
        And, who was the woman you were
with?
        I can’t be tellin’ you,
Father.  I don’t want to ruin her reputation.
        Well, Timmy, I’m sure to find out
sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?
        I cannot say.
        Was it Patricia Kelly?
        I’ll never tell.
        Was it Sheilah O’Brien?
        I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.
        Was it Kathleen Morgan?
        My lips are sealed.
        Was it Fiona Grogan, then?
        Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
        The priest sighs in
frustration.  You’re a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire
that.  But you’ve sinned, and you must atone.  You cannot attend
church mass for three months.  Be off with you now.
        Timmy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers,  What’d you get?
        Three month’s vacation and five good
leads

(more…)

May 7th, 2004

Texas Surgeons Joke

Texas Surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed:

One of them said, “I’m the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England!”

The next one said, “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics.”

The third surgeon said, “You guys are just amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was on drugs and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat. Now he’s president of the United States.”

March 22nd, 2004

Welfare Joke

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job”.

The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year”.

The guy says, “You’re bullshitting me!”

The social worker says, “Yeah, well, you started it.”

(submitted by me mum)

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